Hey all!  Sorry about the ridiculous delay.  Holidays, courts, hospitals, madness.  I will be making a proper update with pictures and details.  For now just know that no one’s dead although some people maybe should be.

Also you’ve probably noticed there’s no streaming links.  Long story and I’m fiddling with options.  For now just know that download links are available for all the recaps and will be no matter what.

Enjoy the sixteenth chapter as well as the visual stylings of Jenny Trout over at her site.

I sort of went out on a limb with Ana’s Mom’s voice.  Let me know what you think!

Before your recording, a rant wherein foul language abounds!

So here’s the thing.  There are many, many reasons to despise Fifty Shades.  Jenny covers practically all of them but I found a new little kernel of hatred ready to spring up and choke the nearest innocent bystander while working on this recent recap.  Or at least new to me personally.

Ana goes off about how her literary heroines didn’t prepare her for Christian Grey by example and says several ignorant/offensive things.  For instance she mentions that Tess would ‘succumb’.  You know, I think it’s pretty shitty to use that language about a rape victim.  Granted I’ve never read Tess of the d’Urbervilles but I have heard from pretty much everyone that Tess is raped in the novel.  Using the word succumbed implies quite a bit more consent than actually existed in that specific scenario.  Although considering this is Ana, it’s not all that surprising that she would interpret the scene that way.  Or that E.L. James would interpret it that way.

But it royally pissed me off when Ana claimed that Jane Eyre would ‘be too frightened’.  Bitch, please.  Jane Eyre could kick your ass with one witty quip that would take weeks to sink into your brain.  Then one day you would just drop to your knees and start crying without knowing why.  Christian Grey is definitely enough of a complete ass to try to talk Jane Eyre into being his submissive but after dealing with Mr. Rochester, Jane Eyre would tell him exactly where he could stick his contract in the politest terms possible.  Because that’s how Jane rolls.  She’s a goddamn word ninja.  Let’s also not forget that when Mr. Rochester tried to control her wardrobe and her daily routine, she made him respect her boundaries and like it.  Jane Eyre would literally rather starve out in the cold than be controlled by a man.

So hey, E.L. James, why don’t you shut the fuck up about Jane Eyre from now on, okay?

Now here’s what you’re all really here for.  Follow along with Jenny or miss out on the fabulous pictures.

Download here.

I don’t know if this is some glorious hallucination or even how it’s happened considering I’m out of minutes but….

Update: Okay, now I know how it happened.  The first two recaps are no longer visible on soundcloud.  Jeez.  I’ll just… fix it later.

Here’s a hopefully cheerful way to start off the weekend before Halloween.  Be sure to follow along on the recap or you won’t get to see how condescending Wonka truly is.

Hey everybody!  How about one more recap to end the weekend?

I’m pretty excited about this one because I have been waiting for a while to finally do the voice for Ana’s inner goddess.  It’s probably my favorite.

Also be sure to read Jenny’s recap or you’ll be left wondering why I randomly ask Christian Grey to have a seat.

It’s that time again, folks.  Time to dive back into that exciting, vaguely nauseating but funny (thanks to Jenny Trout) world of Fifty Shades.  Be sure to read along or you won’t get to see a picture of Jenny dressed like a pirate.  It is absolutely worth seeing.

Also, I’ve begun to think the fictional spirit of Ana Steele is possessing my shoes because I keep slipping and falling down.  At least this last time I didn’t hit my knee or tear my jeans.  Instead I have a smattering of scratches and bruises on my leg and I can’t roll onto my left side when I sleep because of the ouch.  So if I could get some tips on how to exorcise spirits or just how to add traction to the bottom of my shoes, that’d be great.

Another really good reason to go over to Jenny’s original recap posts?  She has editorial content that I do not include.  So if you only listen to me then you’re missing out on cool links and other snappy jokes.  So go there!

And now Chapter Nine, where I fail yet again to do a Morgan Freeman impression.